loathesome

my life has become a multitude of nothings and inbetweens.

I finally worked a shift directly with the woman whom everyone keeps calling me her name (and she said it is vice versa which is relieving). we have a ton in common except she is 3 years older than me.

she's been with her partner for 6 years. and pushed him to get married. they got eloped. which is something i have wanted to do. and they are already seperated. makes me want to move out on my own more and more. she said "do not live with him if you are not even engaged," i don't want to create another level of comfort in our relationship.

the thing is. i really want to move out. and i know he will want to come.

so i can't say no? we've been dating for 6.5 years and our relationship has stayed the same. i feel like i am fucked either way. and i have expressed everything to him. i don't nag him about getting married, but i know that is what he is perceiving because he is so comfortable. i tell him i want to get married....because he is my partner, not because he needs to marry me. i am just tired of dating someone for 6.5 years. holy moly.


i really like her. hope to work with her more!

though i have been having a rough few days. this time with myself has really reminded me of who i am, brought me back to my roots, and i feel so at peace with my life. i have always had what i thought was a sad mental state. but now i couldn't be happier with that. i am completely comfortable in my own skin, like i was before.

i want to get married and my boyfriend doesnt.
i don't have a fulltime job.

but i burst with creativity. screaming at the seams with beauty, my body utters the motionless sound of happiness. lust written on his lip, but lust written on me for life.

perforated, i couldn't be happier.

things have been a little tricky and i haven't really known what to do with my time since i finished school. i am on call for 3 jobs, which call me in seldomly.
i guess it is time to get to know myself again.
i literally did nothing all day except think.
it was a malicious attack on my stability, or what i thought was stability.

i need to dream.
i want to remember who i am.
i have been so actively distracting myself these years through school.

i guess this time of unemployment could be a blessing. i hope.

while I am doing good

I am falling apart

I feel so alone, so isolated. Yet I know I have friends who love me. There is just so much missing. Like I am living in someone elses shoes.

I just need someone to be there. To know that I need them there.

I just want cake and beer.

I am happy I am working in a union because they let me reduce classification, I haven't but I said I will if I am being forced to work on new years! Reducing classification to relief staff would get me out of forcible work. wtf! Thankfully someone took the shift from me, I will not work new years eve, as the ball drops I am doing a shift change, for 16 an hour? I need my vacation man!

I have to pull myself from my Mac, it is too much. I have been integrating my variables, refining, looking at scale, after scale, after scale, after scale, after scale. I can do it for hours, seriously, with no new news.

I sent my professor my variables that I feel are pretty set in stone (except for *, I may change it with sexual satisfaction because I won't have to create my own scale from scratch): attitudes toward pornography, assertiveness, and willingness to fulfill fantasy (ie. saying that gangbangs arouse you does not necessarily mean that you would actually be willing to partake in a gangbang) maybe I can reduce it just to introversion/extroversion. But then I need to go back to lit review and see if someone else has done it. I seriously, seriously, seriously, need to just put away my Mac for tonight and tomorrow, and just chillax! But, my professor keeps saying, "I don't see how your variables relate", seriously? Do you even know how stressful it is to say that my variables don't relate when they make PERFECT 100% sense in my brain? What the fuck am I supposed to do? It is things like this that make me feel like I have hit capacity :(

That and I need to review my stats book to finish one more problem...and then review my stuff against other students.

I am almost done the stats portion of my assignment. Almost. We had to make up 4 VERY (emphasis not added!) interesting questions and then compute them as per the profs data set, and all my results were non significant, lol. I fucking hate stats!!!!!!AHHHHHHH! It is interesting to me that none of my results were significant, so I am submitting them.

I also need to get a concrete handle of my variables for my thesis, and I can't fucking figure it out. I never wanted to do experimental research through a survey, and so I am fucked. Every time students add variables she tells us that we need to take them out, but then tells us we need more. I have a list of potential variables but I don't even know what I am looking for! I know that I am interested in any results that show sexism, here are my potential variables: locus of control
gender identity
aggression
sexual adventurousness
introversion/extroversion
attitudes toward pornography
gender
comfort in discussing sexuality
culture
body image
attitudes toward sex education
sexual satisfacion/relationship happy
attitudes toward monogamy
rape myth-acceptance

I don't even know if I am coming or going and i need help and my prof isn't available to meet me until Tuesday :(

I am finding it really hard to stay positive and motivated. I am done my last course and my research is the only thing left. It is all complete in April, but I have incremented assignments due.

It is hard and I don't remember what I was doing it for.

Soup and reading, as usual.

I am going to start taking pictures of some of my paintings and throwing them on here. I don't write for fun nearly as often, but I have started to paint. I think it is easier to not analyze my life through color and canvas.

Every piece of school for over 6 years has made me anti-oppressive, critical, and analytic. It doesn't really work well when everything to everyone is about looking cool, getting fucked up, bitches, ho's, and and saying the word nigger, and then claiming it isn't racist. It makes me sick and weary, but I am almost done school, which gives me some solace. Ignorance is bliss.

Example, I felt myself getting mad at a woman who was wearing olympic gloves, and then wouldn't donate to the christmas fundraiser. Let us support our well-off, opportuned athletes instead of the homeless!

I am jaded.